polyamariah

Fighting with Femininity.

I don’t know if anyone knows this or not, but I’ve never felt very “girly” or like a “typical” woman. I have refused to wear skirts or dresses (safe for graduation nearly 8 years ago) since I was a young girl and I have no desire to pick up the habit any time soon. I like jewelry & make up, but they often feel misplaced on me because I don’t wear the “appropriate” attire to necessitate them as accessories. My boyfriend tells me he doesn’t care if I’m girly or not, that he loves me the way I am & doesn’t want me to change, but this is my insecurity to deal with, not his. It always has been & always will be. It doesn’t really matter what anyone ever says, it’s just how I feel. Sure, I have breasts & some curves, but I am not comfortable with my body. I feel like I’m stocky, at best, & I’m WAY too large for my height. I will never be that perfect 125 pounds to coordinate with my 5’1” stature.

Sometimes, as stupid as this sounds, the reason I think I can never see myself getting married is because I can’t imagine myself in a dress walking down some stupid aisle. I know you don’t have to do all that to get married, but why even bother with a wedding if you don’t so *something* special?

Blah, I don’t know why this familiar demon is visiting me right now, but I wish he’d go away. So does my body hair & the extra fat I carry around. I just want to be freed.

I know this “ideal” of womanhood, or what have you, only comes from things we thrust upon ourselves, but I want to be able to dress up & look presentable without feeling like a cow in a tutu.

It’s not really *just* my body, either. I don’t have the desire to do things that women tend to start doing, even if they’re “progressive” or not a stereotypical housewife. I don’t want to cook, decorate, knit, crotchet, bake, organize events, etc etc. The list could go on for days, really. Things my friends even enjoy or are starting to. So now, not only do I not feel womanly, I feel like a child trapped in a twilight state of playing and not wanting to grow up. Only, it’s not that I’m avoiding it, the desire is completely absent. I don’t know what I am, but I feel pretty boring & useless.

/great Tumblr rant.